Archive for the ‘on others’ Category

You Melt My Heart

I am self-quarantining myself for a suspected case of HFMD–which means that since yesterday, I have not been able to: be in close proximity with my son Timothy, nor bathe him, nor sleep near him… In short, I shouldn’t breathe the same air he breathes. (…I might exaggerate a bit on that last point, but you get what I mean.)

Thankfully yesterday was a public holiday, and today my wonderful hubby took a leave from office to take care of Timo while I am being a useless invalid. (…That last point is also exaggerated. But the number of exaggerations in this post so far shows the present state of my mind :p)
So Timo has been mainly with his dad, and Hans is an awesome dad who makes Timo laugh all the time, but usually after some time Timo will get antsy and ask for me.

This time however, he has NOT asked for me, knowing that I’m sick and I can’t be near him. And just now after dinner (which we ate semi separately–they eat first and I start when they’re almost done), he came near me and smiled very sweetly. “Mama is Bombom, hehehe… Bombom!” (Bombom is his favorite stuffed dog’s name) then he moved to my other side and smiled again, “Bombom! Hehehehe” and then he went towards the bedroom and said:
“Mama I love you!”
Me: “I love you right up to the moon and back!”
“Mama good night!”
Me: “Good night sayang…”
“Mama cepet sembuh ya… (Mama get well soon)”
Me: “Yes dear sorry mama can’t sleep with you…”
“It’s okay mama…”
“Mama good night!”
And then peeking from behind our bedroom door, he blew me kisses.
Me: “Timo, mama will pray for you. Timo pray for mama too, ok?”
Me: “God bless you Timo….”
“God bless you mama…” (His first time saying this!)

This is actually not a rare occurrence because we say I love you’s a lot, but my heart was already breaking because I can’t hug him, or kiss him, or snuggle him, or do nose rubs with him… And seeing him bearing it so calmly and so unselfishly just melts my heart.

I am strict and can be annoyingly self-centered; like a 5-yo I get cranky when I don’t get enough sleep, and I want to get my way most of the time. But having a son has helped thaw me, and as I’ve said in a previous post, it seems that I learned so much more from him than him from me.

Being a mom can be busy, can be maddening, and most definitely is tiring; but the reward is–as VISA ads go–priceless beyond any treasure.

I love you, Timothy, and I thank God every day for the gift that is you. Please forgive this mama who doesn’t always behave her best… I can’t wait until I can hug and kiss you again.


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11 into 12

It’s 2012 already. And I will write down my resolution for the year so I can have some accountability check at the end of the year..

1. I will pray and have daily devotion DAILY. No excuses, even in the form of baby or travel or overtime at work.

2. I will try to be less negative in responding to people and in my general attitude. I will listen more, and will say yes more.

3. I will be strict with my skincare :p

4. I will do regular yoga or pilates with hubby. Most important thing: find a workable schedule and drag hubby to it.

5. I need to save more than I did in 2011.

6. I will knit 12 gifts, learn 12 new knitting techniques, use up 12 stashed yarns, and knit 1 big lace project (Crown Prince Shawl?)

7. I will spare time everyday to call family.

There. No tick boxes but I hope I can cross them all by December 31, 2012.

What’s your New Year Resolution?

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yep.worklife is affecting my mind.cut my brain and it’ll look like some rorschach monster.it’s taking too much memory space,i’m running out of built-in RAM.i lost my writing mood,i lost my chatting mood,i even lost my calling-boyfriend-mood.

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hati nurani

permisi Pak,
permisi tanya Pak,
kalau masih ada
kebaikan setitik saja di hati Bapak
mengapa hanya berdiri
menonton di samping

maaf Pak,
minta waktu sedikit Pak,
boleh kan,
toh bukan uang yang saya minta
saya hanya minta waktu
ya, Pak

nanya nih Pak,
kenapa sih Pak,
baju gembel itu cuma satu,
kotor pula,
tapi masih Bapak ludahi?
Mentang-mentang ya, Pak
mentang-mentang baju Bapak berminyak wangi
(tempelan dari PKS yang baru Bapak kunjungi)

nanya lagi Pak,
Bapak ingat gak
bayar pajak Pak,
jangan cuma porotin orang aja Pak,
ada budi ada balas,
nanti gantian Bapak yang memelas
seperti orang yang Bapak peras

tunggu Pak,
jangan pergi dulu,
jangan tutup kuping dulu Pak,
aku bukan cuma suara,
aku ini nyata
kalau saja Bapak mau meluangkan
seiris hati untuk mendengarkan
suara nuranimu

This is a prose I’ve written quite some time ago but haven’t had the time to finish. Hoping someday to perfect it….. but in the meantime, gotta put the ‘inner conscience’ out for public consumption.

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I Believe

I believe that people are inherently good
I believe that freedom is meant for everybody
I believe that no one should be killing anyone else
I believe that joy will come after suffering
I believe that one day the world will be at peace
I believe that people are born with the capacity to love

And I believe that if I keep saying ‘I believe’,
it will one day come true

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what to do

What should I do when people ask me “What should I do?”

Can’t tell you what to do because I don’t want to take the responsibility of your life. I can only let you pour all grudges and tears and despair out on me, and maybe make you see the situation clearly. But please don’t ask me to dictate you how to live your life.

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Just out of curiosity, I looked up Pulitzer Prize winners for the year 1982, my birth year. Surprisingly, the nominated list for fiction includes Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson, which I got interested in recently. The winner was John Updike’s Rabbit Is Rich (I’ve seen the Rabbit series before but they just didn’t get me, somehow). Poetry winner: The Collected Poems of Sylvia Plath, published posthumously. I’ve always thought of her as a bleak character, sinister and brooding–I can never be sure that her works were pure genius instead of the end-product of some twisted thinking.

T o answer Tashia (in case she remembers to check my blog instead of waiting for my reply email): yes, I’m STILL alive. When are you visiting?

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