I want a lot of things for myself. Not in a materialistic way, although no less selfish than wanting to buy stuff for myself. I want me to improve: to be a better person, to have more wisdom, etc. I see new things as challenges, and I JUST have to prove that I can. Character-wise, I want to be a nicer friend, a dependable sister, etc. I strive to be better. And then best. And then perfect. And then… in the middle of it, somehow I always stumbled.
It became some kind of narcissistic obsession. In public, I project my ideal self. People see me not as who I really am, but as a ‘me’ that I want them to see. Smart, independent, strong, outgoing. What lies inside, is the real me who can’t make decisions. The real me is quite antisocial. The real me doesn’t like making mistakes and having them pointed out to her. The real me thinks about ME.
I always tell others to get rid of THEIR insecurities, and love themselves. But I myself am afraid of being flawed and imperfect. Underneath it all, is one thing: pride. The ugly pride, to be better than others. To beat ’em all.
But today I am reminded that He has a greater plan for me, that He wants me to have a heart like Him. He wants me to strive to be perfect, but He also wants me to surrender my will to His will. All that I do for my own glory, will be in vain.
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. –Matt 5:48